Ignore the State of Things
All right, your mission today, ACCEPT IT, is to ignore The State of Things. Meaning the show, but you can ignore the state of anything else you want, too. Except the state of Delaware, which gets ignored far too often already.
The NPR show The State of Things has chosen, you see, to interview me on my, umm, “eccentric way of finding a mate” I believe is the way the producer put it. (“Did I say ‘eccentric’?” she protested. “I think I was more diplomatic.” “Okay,” I said, “precisely you said ‘your hilarious story of finding a mate in a non-traditional way’. It is not hilarious, it is elegant and thought-provoking, and I COULD HEAR THE ECCENTRIC IN THERE.”)
Now I’m quite happy to meet The State of Things producers and witty and charming host. But I have this fear, see, that I will not come across as quite so witting and charmy myself. (Oh, see, there you go. I didn’t even do that on purpose.� That’s EXACTLY the kind of thing I can hear myself saying on air, “Witting and charmy.”) Therefore, I am trying to steer everyone clear of the show today. That’s your mission. And don’t go downloading the podcast later.
If you REFUSE this mission, first of all, you have lost all chance to ever be respected by Tom Cruise and his ilk again. Which may be a good thing.
But you are also required to come back here and tell me these very words:
“Wow! You are even WITTINGER and CHARMIER than I have ever suspected. Just from hearing you on the radio, I now know that you are gorgeous and Emmanuelle Béart DREAMS of looking like you. And you sound EXACTLY like Lauren Bacall.”
Note: Not Lauren Bacall after she’s been playing with helium. Not Lauren Bacall when she was three years old. Don’t go getting creative and deviating from the script. Whenever Tom Cruise does that on his missions, things start blowing up all over the place.
And you wouldn’t want the thing to blow up to be ME, would you? Because then I might have to eat ALL the truffles to console myself.