Tiaras, Boas, and Tour Buses
I could totally have worn a tiara. And a pink feather boa. And green gloves up to my elbows. I’m so annoyed I didn’t have time to try Dee‘s advice and Party City, because, you know, how many other chances do you get to wear a tiara during your life? Some people are thinking right away, “Well, there’s Halloween. And New Year’s masquerade balls.” But once you get past ten, people don’t let you dress up as a princess anymore for Halloween and masquerade balls. They talk you into wearing cow costumes complete with udders or…let’s just not go into it. So next time Jill Conner Browne comes to town, I’m getting a tiara AND a pink feather boa AND maybe some green gloves up to my elbows. And I am WEARING them in case it’s my LAST CHANCE.
I was disappointed not to see Karin Gillespie there and also not to see JCB in her full Sweet Potato Queen regalia, but she did wear violently pink sequins and she was very funny and she gave me one of their famous “Lick You All Over 10 cents” business cards for my very own, so I managed to recover. When I got my book signed, I wanted to say, “Your Royal Highness JCB, I write TOO and my book is funny TOO and here is a copy I just stole from this bookstore that you can have for your very own.” But, you know, I wasn’t wearing a tiara so I felt awkward, plus she does her author tours in a gigantic Big-Ass Tour Bus with Sweet Potato Queen things splashed all over the sides. And I don’t have a tour bus. I don’t even have a tour Mini Cooper. In fact, I just have a small Japanese car.
I am so going to have to talk straight with my agent. First there’s the whole cover double fiasco which has never really been resolved. And now the tour bus. There is no clause about me getting a tour bus in my entire contract. I just double-checked. I don’t really want a tour bus, but I was thinking that a tour plane would be nice, plus how cool would it be to land in Charles de Gaulle airport with a plane that had BLAME IT ON PARIS splashed across the side. It would be cool. You have to admit it would be cool. If you were also in CDG at the same time, you would probably take pictures of my docked tour plane and turn the photos into one of those internet forward phenomenons. I used to think those internet forward phenonemons were called internet memes, aka my mother’s attempts to infect my computer with multiple viruses that will eat up future books before they can embarrass the family again, but everyone seems to use memes to mean something else.
Also, if I had my own tour plane, I could probably wear a tiara getting on and off it and everyone would just assume I was a rich princess.� I don’t know about the pink feather boas, though.